Greetings all and welcome to DEEP/DIVE: Film Bunker’s newest (and greatest) editorial series! Join us for a somewhat regular column, where we will skewer, dissect and gleefully over-analyse a wide selection of fine films without any real need for doing so, because ‘The Internet’. Said films may be approaching, or have surpassed, a particular retrospective milestone. They may have penetrated the cultural zeitgeist in a way that demands increased attention from neurotic and/or caffeine-riddled critics. Or they might just have, like, really dank memes. Whatever the reason, Film Bunker is ready to wade through a sea of hot takes and pop-up browser tabs in order to take the plunge. 

Star Wars: The Re-watch Marathon

And we’re back! After a protracted hiatus (a far longer one than initially intended), DEEP/DIVE is back for another column of retrospective goodness. This time around, and in effort to make up for lost time, we’re going all out with our most audacious effort yet. With the impending release of Star Wars – Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker (2019), we decided to strap ourselves in for the most insane of re-watches: an epic Star Wars marathon, including all ten feature films (no Holiday Special or Ewok-centric direct-to-TV movies) across 42 years and roughly 23 hours of screen-time. We’ve also decided to conduct this marathon in chronological order of events within the Star Wars universe, which should make for some interesting contrast and connections between different eras of the franchise.

Do we have what it takes? Will this endeavour break us? Is the Force truly with us? As a wise, green, almost millennia-old alien once said: “Do or do not. There is no try.”

12:30 AM 

Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) 

Directed by: George Lucas 

I greet my marathon partner Nick at midnight, as he knocks on my front door. It has begun. We settle in with some Irish coffees and get comfortable: I take the high ground (e.g. couch), leaving Nick with the low (e.g. the mattress on the floor; sorry my friend). We kick off Episode I and Nick declares his intention to read the scroll text for (almost) every film. An admirable effort indeed. On that note: Taxes!! Darth Sidious also has terrible space-phone etiquette (“What is it?”). Hmm, these blatant racial character stereotypes have not aged well at all. Is the Trade Federation meant to be Indonesian or something? Is Jar Jar Binks Jamaican? Is Watto a covetous Jew? Come on, George, you’re better than that.

Meanwhile, it seems that Nick is already asleep and will maintain this position for most of the prequels. Can’t say I blame him. Twenty years on, Not-Baby Yoda’s out here speaking in cryptic, #deep koans like some kind of miniature space Buddha covered in hair: “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Episode I may be the most often maligned of all the Star Wars films; however, listening to “Duel of the Fates” play over the top of a truly epic lightsabre battle is still as riveting to me now as it was when I was a kid. RIP Qui-Gon.

02:42 AM 

Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) 

Directed by: George Lucas

More Irish coffees, because they’re almost too easy to consume at this point in the marathon. I’ve decided that Episode II is essentially just ‘Little Orphan Annie in the Friend Zone’. “If droids could think…” That’s droidist, my friend. Droid rights! Ah, yes, here it is; the meme, the myth, the legend: “I don’t like sand.” Christopher Lee is suitably hammy as Count Dooku and chews up every scene he’s in, which is certainly more than I can say for the rest of this awfully wooden cast.

While watching Episode II, it’s clear that this is easily the worst of the prequels, thus making it the worst Star Wars film overall. Yikes. I quickly pull up Roger Ebert’s review of the film for a laugh: “Actors speak more slowly than they might—flatly, factually, formally, as if reciting. Sometimes that reflects the ponderous load of the mythology they represent. At other times it simply shows that what they have to say is banal. Episode II: Attack of the Clones is a technological exercise that lacks juice and delight. The title is more appropriate than it should be.” Roger, you savage.

04:58 AM 

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005) 

Directed by: George Lucas 

Rolling into the end of the prequel trilogy, faint hints of light twinkle in the sky outside. As if called back to his duty, Nick emerges from his slumber to remark that this opening space battle is “pretty epic.” And look, he’s not wrong. The tone in Episode III is much tighter, with witty banter and acting that feels more natural for in-universe circumstances and less ‘Hey, look at me, I’m on a green screen’. The prologue section is also great because it establishes the dynamic of Anakin and Obi-Wan’s adult relationship quickly and clearly, something Episode II struggled to achieve. There’s real tension here as issues of trust, recklessness and a skill imbalance surfaces between them. And so, when we see Palpatine understand this dynamic, we as the audience do so as well, thus making his manipulation of Anakin all the more engaging. After all, we’re all well aware of where this film is heading.

Nick also points out that “The real Jedi weakness is just a hard ledge.” Fair call there mate. With the amount of times Jedi are caught dangling off hard ledges, their training should be at least 90% pull-ups. May the upper-body strength be with you. Also, when Anakin finally flips and goes full incel*, murdering those poor, little younglings in cold blood… Damn. Who put that burst of Zack Snyder grim-dark in my family Star Wars film?

*Yes, I know, Padme is pregnant with the twins, so Anakin can’t literally be an incel by definition, but if the glove fits the robotic hand… that’s all I’m saying.

07:18 AM 

Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018) 

Directed by: Ron Howard 

Okay, it’s officially daylight now and we’re into the next phase of this marathon. Quick pit-stop for some breakfast, a Berocca and we’re back in business. At this juncture, we’re joined by my partner Paige, who reminds me that when we first saw Solo in theatres, we kind of hated it and apparently we weren’t the only ones. I witnessed other people getting up half-way through the film and leaving, which is a truly baffling result for a Star Wars film. Hopefully it’s better this time around.

The change in director is a welcome relief from the Lucas-helmed prequel trilogy. I’m digging the gritty aesthetic and war-torn perspective. It’s less pulpy space opera, more Saving Private Ryan and then Ocean’s Eleven ‘In-Space’ and I’m here for it. Chewy arrives on screen as Nick remarks that, “It’s not Star Wars without a beast.” Another scarily accurate truism. I also notice how well—intentionally or otherwise—Solo matches up directly after Episode III, particularly with Chewy helping Yoda escape the fallout of Order 66, only to end up in a backwater Empire dungeon somewhere.

Elsewhere, Lando is fine and Donald Glover is clearly having a time in the role. Sassy droid L3’s behaviour is a bit grating, especially with the overtly Marxist undertones and the plight of the droidetariat. The Kessel Run section is blatant fan service and, frankly, a little stupid, relying as it does on a hyper–fuelled ‘Nos ex machina’ that seems ripped straight out of a Fast & Furious joint. My main gripe with this film overall though is its length: it’s too bloody long and it has at least three endings—none of which are very good or convincing. The fake-outs and double crossings get old real quick and I just want the whole thing to be done. Also, the Darth Maul reveal at the ‘end’ makes zero sense in the context of this re-watch marathon, especially if you don’t already know about The Clone Wars/Rebels stuff. I mean, we literally just saw Maul get chopped in half and tumble down a giant power well on Naboo, but he’s alive now? Oh sure. Fine. Whatever. Move along, nothing to see here.

09:30 AM 

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016) 

Directed by: Gareth Edwards

Ah yes, the first standalone Star Wars film—Daddy Issues: A Disney $$$ Story. I crack some beers for this one, much to Paige’s chagrin, but look—the pub opens at 10 AM, okay? The cold open in Rogue One is a genius move, as it sets the change in tone from the outset. Not a Skywalker saga film this is. However, I could do away with the title cards for planet locations though. Don’t need them; don’t care for them. As a protagonist, I like Jyn quite a lot. She’s broken, sardonic and kind of a bitch, but she also means well and is really just searching for her life’s purpose. This being Nick’s first encounter with Rogue One, he doesn’t even clock CGI Tarkin until I point it out to him, so that’s a thing. Donnie Yen is great and Forest Whitaker is on some wheezy, method-actor shit, which is always fun to see.

Re-watching this film, I think my main issue is that having the Death Star revealed directly before the events of Episode IV detracts somewhat from its intended impact in the original film. Sure, it’s only smaller tests, but it’s far more powerful having us see the Death Star for the ‘first’ time, with no idea of it’s awesome potential, until it literally wipes Alderaan off the galaxy map. That being said, it does look incredible here and the effects in general are just gorgeous. This is beautiful looking film, despite the darker undertones. Also, that Vader scene at the end? Holy shit! Now that’s what real fan service looks like.

11:54 AM 

Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) 

Directed by: George Lucas

We break for lunch and Paige takes this opportunity to bail back to our bedroom for air-con and the Kardashians. “Traitor!!!” *First Order Trooper voice* Now, as brilliant as Episode IV is—and to be clear, it’s forty-two years old and still better than most ‘cinematic’ films churned out today—watching it in the context of the films which occur chronologically before it does raise some issues. For one, why is it that C3PO, R2-D2 and Owen Skywalker don’t recognise each other? Sure, the droids could have their memories erased, different coats of paint etc., that makes sense. But that doesn’t really explain why Owen and Beru don’t care that Anakin’s droid shows up on Tatooine again. Also, more to that point, why does Obi-Wan not recognise R2-D2? They interact all throughout the prequels, and in Episode III, they’re literally on a mission together where R2 saves Obi-Wan on multiple occasions. Now, I’m sure there’s some nerd-virgin answer written as gospel on Wookiepedia somewhere, but to the casual observer, it’s just weird.

Other than that, the Sandpeople are still sick, Obi-Wan has the best one liners of the whole film and Luke finding his Aunt and Uncle as burnt out skeletons is still dark as hell. RIP Alderaan. Poor Porkins. And also, not that this needs to be said, but the Special Editions of these films really, really suck.

02:05 PM 

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980) 

Directed by: Irvin Kershner

It’s now getting stupid hot. Like gross, uncomfortable, sweaty hot. So we take a quick shower to cool off, grab another iced coffee and the shirts come off. What can we say about Episode V that hasn’t already been said? With Irvine Kershner directing and a screenplay by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan, this film feels paradoxically like the most and the least Star Wars-y of the Star Wars films, and it’s all the better for it. 

Hoth. Tauntauns. Sassy Leia. Force ghosts. Harpoons and tow cables. OG AT-ATs. “Never tell me the odds.” Dagobah. OG Yoda backpack. Emperor hologram. Arthouse vision quests. Boskk! IG-88! Boba Fett! “No disintegrations.” Bespin Cloud City. OG Lando. A doublecross. Carbonite. A duel. Redemption. An escape. Severance. That twist. Sliding into psychic DMs. The final shot. It’s still the best entry in the entire saga and always will be. Change my mind. 

05:39 PM 

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983) 

Directed by: Richard Marquand

After more beer and more snacks, the afternoon heat takes its toll and we have to adjourn for a 90-minute nap: a task necessary for the maintenance of my sanity. Upon waking and achieving a state of consciousness once more, we begin the final installment in the original trilogy and find ourselves in the Hutt’s House of Droid Horrors.

Now, I’ve said this before but it’s worth repeating—the Special Editions suck so, so much and this fact is made all the more pronounced in the first act of Episode VI. The added scenes here are laughably bad (e.g. that bloody song) and the CGI Sarlaac is lame as hell. Carrie Fisher as a Hutt slave manages to stir the imagination of young proto-nerds thirty years on, and Luke still sounds like an edgy teenager despite his all-black Master apparel. Boba Fett goes out like a real chump. Yoda’s passing is suitably sad, and Obi-Wan is apparently still a droidist, even beyond death: “He’s more machine now than man...” Also, I don’t care if it’s a trap, we love you Admiral Ackbar. Calamari forever.

07:45 PM 

Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015) 

Directed by: J.J. Abrams

We’re on the downhill stretch now folks. It’s time for the final trilogy in the trilogy of trilogies that is the Skywalker Saga. Thus begins J.J. Abrams’ take on the franchise with Episode VII. And for the most part, it still holds up. Kylo Ren stopping a blaster bolt mid-shot is impressive as hell and BB-8 is adorable. Nick remarks that, “Finn and Rey almost seem surprised that they’re playing Star Wars characters.” Again, he’s not wrong.

I certainly think Episode VII is a decent film in isolation. Abrams knows how to hit narrative story beats, the visual storytelling is rich and gloriously rendered, and the action is (mostly) thrilling. However, this isn’t a stand-alone film; it’s #7 in one of the biggest franchises and cultural touchstones of all time. As many critics have noticed and many online commentators have ranted into oblivion, Episode VII is a direct, beat-for-beat rip-off of Episode IV. Now, weaponising nostalgia in this way isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it does come off as lazy to me. In truth, the most egregious aspect of the film is how enjoyment is apparently derived from the pastiche of internal Star Wars mythology. I keep thinking about someone who isn’t a Star Wars fan and ignorant of the entire franchise’s mythos to date—like a hypothetical coma patient who went under in 1976 and come out in 2015, craving for a good dose of cinematic sci-fi—and I wonder what they’d make of it?

09:52 PM 

Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017) 

Directed by: Rian Johnson 

Everything is becoming a blur now and all I see are midichlorians. We’re at 22-hours of straight Star Wars content and it’s… a lot. I’m slightly delirious and Nick concurs. Pushing through our fatigue and mushy brains, we power on relentlessly to the final film, the grand-daddy of online reactionary trolling, the one and only, Episode VIII.

Now, I like Episode VIII. I think it’s funny, which is what all Star Wars films should aspire to be at times. Rian Johnson’s tone and humour is great and I’m here for all the weird, Jim Henson-esque shenanigans. I also think it’s a beautiful film to watch. It looks great, with excellent set design and lush colour palette. It stimulates my lizard brain and makes me feel things. Thematically, Episode VIII is daring and it takes risks. This elevates it above the prequel trilogy, Solo and certainly Episode VII. The only other film that comes close to trying new and different things within the Star Wars universe is Rogue One. So for these reasons, I think it deserves praise—regardless of whether or not I agree with the execution of said things and their intended result.

To be clear: if you want in-depth analysis of this film and thoughts on why it angered people, or why it’s the worst possible film of all films and will be responsible for the death of the franchise, you won’t find that here. This is a re-watch, not an essay and I’ve just sat through way too much Star Wars at this point to give a shit.

Leia’s death and connection to the Force reveal is still shocking (if not somewhat predictable given her linage). Everyone kind of sucks, and it’s hard to watch them all fail. And yet, Yoda straight up mentions that this is the primary theme of the film: “The greatest teacher failure is.” The scene with Rey and Kylo in Snoke’s throne room… wow. Holy shit. Fantastic choreography and excellent pay-off for these characters. Also, that scene with Holdo’s hyperspace attack run on Snoke’s star destroyer is breathtaking. While Holdo’s plan was definitely dumb, and she could have easily just told Poe what the deal was to appease him, this ending to her arc still works within the film and it’s a true stand-out within the franchise. The final battle does drag a little, and I found myself nodding off several times. But hey, I think that’s a me problem at this point. Still, seeing Luke and Leia reunite one last time, especially given Carrie Fisher’s death, is touching.

And that’s a wrap. We made it and with most of our sanity in check. Now for sleep. Check back here for our review of Star Wars – Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker once Disney actually let’s people spill the beans. May the Force be with you all.