Isolation sucks. We know it, you know it; it’s a fact. We miss our friends. We miss the pub. We miss that geriatric old guy on public transport who stares disapprovingly at the cool young kids with their skateboards and chewing gum and 8-track players. (We’re not the problem. YOU’RE THE PROBLEM.) To err on the side of boredom this past month, I’ve been ranking films and making lists. I do this most of the time anyway, and it’s exactly the type of neurotic pastime that got me this gig in the first place. But I got to thinking: ‘What if… I re-watched all of the MCU? I mean there’s like two days’ worth of shiny spandex and CGI bullshit right there.’ A good plan in theory; however, remembering what it took (and did not give back) to sit through 10 Star Wars films in the lead up to the dismal disappointment that was The Rise of Skywalker, I have a new plan of attack.
The overlords at Marvel Studios were smart enough to break all 23 films comprising the Infinity Saga into daily-sized, roughly 12-hour chunks. So, this Rewatch will be the first in a series of four: Phases 1, 2, and 3; and the third broken into two, as it contains 11 films and a double whammy ending. Let’s begin.
Sat April 25th, 2020 @ 12:10 PM
Iron Man (2008)
Directed by: Jon Favreau
Nick, my partner-in-marathon, has returned for this particular endeavour, while my (actual) partner-in-isolation sits comfortably on the couch engrossed in Animal Crossing. We settle in and nurse some Irish coffees, as is tradition.
It’s pretty cool that the entire MCU opens with an AC/DC riff. “I don’t want to see this on your Myspace page”—instantly dates the film. Oh hey, look! It’s Terrence Howard out here pretending that he’s actually going to get an opportunity to be Not-War Machine… *Joe Biden voice* “C’mon man!!” Although playboy Tony Stark looks like a hell of a lot of fun, the inclusion of the Afghan War political context makes me think how sad it is that twelve years later, that whole thing is still a colossal clusterfuck. Nick remarks that Tony’s improvised Mark 1.0 suit is “Ned Kelly-esque,” and I have to agree. Also, Tony throwing shade at his robot assistant actuator arms: classic. Robert Downey Jnr. owns this role.
- End Credit Summary: Our first shot of Samuel Jackson as Nick ‘Mutherfucka’ Fury.
- Rating: 3 ½ cigars in Jeff Bridges’ mouth.
2:10 PM
The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Directed by: Louis Leterrier
I don’t remember seeing this at the time of release, mainly because I was still emotionally scared from that bizarre 2003 Ang Lee joint. There’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it introduction that feels really shoe-horned in, but if you’re on board after that, it’s pretty easy to understand and has probably one of the weirdest Stan Lee cameo’s in the entire MCU.
So, let’s talk about Tim Roth’s accent. Is it American? Canadian? British aristocracy? Human? I still don’t know. There’s also a huge gothic vibe running through this film, and if they ever do another standalone Hulk film (which after Thor: Ragnarök, seems unlikely), they should definitely tap into this. (See also: the final act of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom). Uh oh, it’s Banner, bitch!
Ok, let’s talk about the (possibility of a) sex scene: if Banner’s heart-rate goes up and he Hulks out during sex, what happens to—*clears throat*—‘little Hulk’? Did the gamma radiation make him infertile? Could you even survive Hulk insemination? Would you need a vibranium condom? Is there an Infinity Stone for the morning after? These are important questions, folks.
- End Credits Summary: A neat little Iron Man cameo; already starting to tie these things together.
- Rating: 2-star generals with cigars in their mouths.
3:55 PM
Iron Man 2 (2010)
Directed by: Jon Favreau
Well, #3 of 23 and we’ve already got a direct sequel. Damn. Mickey Rourke looks like he’s doing his best Johnny Deep impersonation, complete with shitty BBC docu-drama Russian accent. About as convincing as The Expendables was narratively compelling. The Stark Expo looks mad and three cheers for Scar-Jo. Also, that Elon Musk cameo is awkward and incredible. War Machine is dope and Justin Hammer as an embittered Tony Stark wannabe is a great distraction.
The action scenes have clearly stepped up with bigger direction and budget—a sign of things to come. Still, Marvel’s Achilles heel—shitty villains—is here front and centre. The climax is also pretty dime a dozen but it’s resolved quickly enough. Now with more AC/DC. Hell yeah.
- End Credits Summary: A mini-trailer for thunder, lightning and Mjölnir.
- Rating: 2 ½ Scar-Jo leather suits
5:55 PM
Thor (2011)
Directed by: Kenneth Branagh
Okay, so this is where the stylistic turns (finally!) show up in the MCU. Shakespearean fan boy Kenneth Branagh directs one of the weirdest entries in the entire franchise: one half high fantasy romp, the other half a 90s Middle America sitcom. Hemsworth looks like a legit Norse god. Dennings is suitably broke and/or a girl. Portman, Skarsgård and Elba all feel like they’re in fundamentally different films, which is a mood. Not to mention Sir Anthony Hopkins rocking an eye patch. Oh shit, there’s Hawkeye!
Look, it’s definitely strange and funny and awkward in places but it definitely works, AND it has easily the best Stan Lee cameo so far. Also, take a drink every time there’s a Dutch angle, slo-mo shot or lens flare on screen. You’re welcome.
- End Credit Summary: “Loki, you little scamp…” – Nick, 2020.
- Rating: 3 Ice Giant Monster things.
7:50 PM
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Directed by: Joe Johnston
We’ve been at this for seven hours now and signs of fatigue are setting in. Thankfully, we saved the best two films for last. Hail Hydra! I’m going to go right ahead and throw up Hugo Weaving’s Red Skull as one of the best MCU villains. Hands down. Corny accent aside, you see that grin in a Gestapo uniform, you just know he’s doing some evil shit.
The CG-enabled body double bit in the beginning for Chris Evans is still passable, despite being nearly a decade old. Nick opines that pretty much everything Tommy Lee Jones says sounds patriotic, and once again, I’m inclined to agree. For some reason, Cap’s scene of selfless bravery reminds me of a Fall Out Boy song… weird. The whole steampunk Nazi occult aesthetic for Hydra is sick and I’m definitely about it. (Note: they should turn those Wolfenstein remake videogames into live-action films, pronto. Use Overlord as a template if you have too. It was dope.) “Do you, fondue?
End Credit Summary: Literally just a full-blown Avengers trailer.
- Rating: 4 Tesseract-fuelled vaporizations.
9:46 PM
The Avengers (2012)
Directed by: Joss Whedon
Ah yes, the now-ubiquitous team-up ensemble film. It’s all downhill now, folks. A true staple of the 2010s, thanks in no small part to the success of this film and the continued, visionary persistence of Marvel Studios and Disney in completely dominating Western cultural production.
First, we get a brief glimpse of the true cosmic threat to come. Then we dive into some big Romanoff chair energy, where the action and script are razor-sharp. (The one-liners often hit harder than Natasha does.) Oh hey, look! It’s Mark Ruffalo, just casually doing a Hulk now. What a great guy. “Uh, his first name is ‘Agent’.” Trading cards in the 2010s. Cute. The S.H.I.E.L.D. heli-carrier still looks dope. “Make a move, Reindeer Games.” Tony’s Black Sabbath tee is sick but also baffling within this sort-of contemporaneous MCU continuity and some real next-level meta shit. Also: “You mewling quim!!”
But man, that final battle. God damn. It’s still the legacy gold-standard of superhero action, surpassed only by other entries in this self-same franchise. The way every little quip, every oblique reference, every Whedonism and tidbit of lore comes full circle to maximum pay-off is truly something to behold.
- End Credit Summary: It’s midnight and now all I want is shawarma, aka ‘the Marvel kebab’.
- Rating: 4 dead Coulsons.
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