Sonic the Hedgehog
Directed by: Jeff Fowler
Runtime: 99 minutes
During my time growing up in a sleepy, coastal suburbian town that befits the chorus of a pop-punk anthem, one or both of my parental figures would often partake in the weekly ritual of going to the video rental store. It was during these times that my small, exuberant brain would explode in a myriad of excitement at the prospect of playing a used, often scratched, video game. Despite my young age, I was not naive enough to be swayed by the newer, flashier titles that you could only rent for a measly twenty-four hours. I wanted value. I would scour the wall of seven-day rentals, searching for a gem suited enough for my Indiana Jones level of spelunking. Through this, I found certain zirconias like Dual Masters, Mega Man X6, and most importantly, Sonic Riders. This was my introduction to the blue blur that, as marketing would make you believe, has “gotta go fast.” A game in which he, in fact, does not run fast, but rather races on a skateboard, powered by air, against anthropomorphic birds that claim to be from Babylon. I didn’t even know what a Babylon was. I knew that I loved this game. I breathed in that sweet, pressured skateboard air. This game was literally my Everest.
One faithful night, I had discovered that you could create a custom race, with a maximum number of ninety-nine laps. With a gusto that I have not yet replicated in my adult life, I set the laps. I raced this race. It took me exactly one hour, twenty-six minutes and thirty-nine seconds. I emerged from my cave elated by my triumph. I told my parental figures to hear their kudos and, realistically, their validation. They gave me a polite smile and nod, along with a confused stare that only asked one question. “Why?” The single question that has plagued the Sonic the Hedgehog mythos for decades. Why is Sonic racing on an air-powered skateboard? Why does Sonic like chilli dogs? Why in the hell is Sonic kissing a human girl?!
This is also the same question that spread to the common movie-viewer after the initial trailer and character designs dropped for Sonic’s first Hollywood “live-action” debut. Some even began to unravel a conspiracy surrounding it. Clearly, Sonic wanted to cross off movie-star from his bucket list, along with Olympic athlete, medieval knight and werewolf. In light of his resumé, Sonic the Hedgehog the movie is not that big of a stretch to make in his world; he has the arrogant bravado of the average movie star. Much like the majority of his other outings, you simply wonder… why? Why does this exist? Why am I watching it? Why should I even care? Even with my literal degree in video games design, and my self-proclaimed degree in Sonic the Hedgehog-ology, I cannot answer this question. I have literally spent at least one night playing through the first level of Sonic the Hedgehog, the game (commonly referred to as Sonic ’06). Anyone who has played this game, that sold in real stores and required real people to give said store real money to purchase, would tell you that’s too much time. I know both nothing, and everything there is to know about Sonic the Hedgehog, the entity. Yet I still cannot tell you why Sonic the Hedgehog the movie exists and why you should or should not see it.
Though I would also yearn that this question cannot, and should not be answered. Do not waste your time going to see Sonic the Hedgehog expecting to understand the purpose of this movie’s existence. Sonic the Hedgehog has never made sense. He will never make sense. But this is also what makes Sonic fascinating. His history of cocaine-fuelled mediocrity is one that keeps my perspective of the world alive and fresh. It’s the same feeling I get when I watch YouTube videos about failed conventions and festivals. This is the feeling, the aura, the enigma that is Sonic the Hedgehog. What I can assure you is that Sonic the Hedgehog, much like the games, is technically fun and definitely goes fast.
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